Helpful Tips for Parents

• Positive attention — catching children being good — is more effective than negative attention at shaping behavior. "Thank you for putting your shoes away" reinforces the behavior far more than reprimanding forgetting.

• The sibling relationship is the most important social training ground in a child's life. Managing sibling conflict skillfully — without taking sides — develops conflict resolution skills that persist for decades.

• Model the behavior you want to see. Children learn far more from observation of parents than from any instruction. If you want a patient child, model patience.

• Find parenting support — a group, a therapist, trusted experienced parents. Parenting in isolation is harder and produces worse outcomes than parenting in community.

Frequently Asked Questions

How much say should a preschooler have in family decisions?

Preschoolers benefit developmentally from meaningful choices within adult-set parameters. The rule: never offer a choice you can't honor, and never ask "do you want to" before mandatory activities. "Do you want to put on shoes or go in socks?" (both are options) is appropriate. "Do you want to go to preschool today?" (not a real option) is not. Choices build autonomy and decision-making skills; unlimited choice creates overwhelm and insecurity. The goal is a child who feels genuinely heard within a structured, safe environment.

What is gentle parenting, and is it effective?

Gentle parenting emphasizes emotional connection, positive reinforcement, and natural consequences over punishment-based discipline. Research supports many of its core principles — particularly the importance of emotional attunement, positive attention, and consistent limits. However, "gentle parenting" as a philosophy sometimes underemphasizes the importance of structure and consistent limits, which children need as much as warmth. The most evidence-supported approach combines the warmth and attunement of gentle parenting with the clear, consistent limits of authoritative parenting.

Related reading: See also our social skills guide and our raising confident preschoolers for more ideas on this topic.

🎓 Skills Your Child Will Develop

• 🧠 Self-Regulation Skills — Children whose parents respond to big emotions with empathy and calm guidance learn to regulate their own emotional responses — one of the most important predictors of school success and long-term wellbeing.
• 🤝 Social-Emotional Development — Secure parent-child attachment provides the emotional safe base from which children confidently explore the world, form friendships, and develop the social competence that every other developmental milestone builds on.
• 📚 Early Literacy Foundation — Daily shared reading, access to books, and language-rich environments at home are the most powerful predictors of reading success — and parental reading habits shape children's reading identities for life.
• 🎯 Intrinsic Motivation — Parents who follow children's interests, respond to their curiosity, and avoid over-directing play raise children with strong intrinsic motivation — the engine that sustains learning without external rewards.

By Maria Connor

It's not uncommon for parents to do or say things in front of an infant or toddler that they wouldn't do in front of an older child. Parents assume small children are too young to understand these words and actions. This casual attitude can cause trouble down the line when those little kids turn into preschoolers.

The Importance of Role Modeling

Preschoolers are notorious for their ability to soak up information and mimic behavior. At this age, they are discovering the power of communication. They are learning to interpret body language, verbal nuances and physical interactions between people. These busy little observers are starting to distinguish between good and bad, right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate.

"What parents do tends to carry more weight than what they say," says Michelle Becker, a licensed marriage and family counselor from Poway, Calif. "Parents model positive behavior for children and negative behavior for children. Kids pick up everything their parents say and do."

Parents' actions set an example for more than good manners. They are showing their preschooler how to get along with people, how to take care of themselves, how to handle success and disappointment, and how to solve problems.

How to be a Good Role Model

Not sure how to be a good role model for your preschooler? First and foremost, parents need to identify what behaviors are important. Second, if you expect it of your preschooler, expect it of yourself. Here are some other suggestions to keep in mind:

1. Avoid sending conflicting messages. It is confusing if parents say one thing, yet do the opposite, such as parents who spank a child for hitting a sibling.

2. Teach by example. Telling children to be polite is vague, but speaking in a friendly tone, not interrupting, holding the door open for a stranger shows your preschooler ways to be polite. Modeling is particularly effective for preschoolers because they are still grasping to understand verbal language.

3. Role play different behaviors. This gives preschoolers a chance to walk through the actions of a situation and provides an opportunity for parents to talk about why certain decisions are better than others.

Parents and other significant grown-ups have a huge impact on the type of individual a preschooler will become. It is vital that adults not only tell preschoolers how to behave, but show them with their own actions.

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